I think that there are very few marriages out there...yes, even Christian ones that don't bleed over this one...not the battle for truth, justice, and the American way...but the battle of control and dominance over one another.
I am going to try and catch your attention right away with this one...because this one aspect of marriage, respect, is very important to get right....ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE RAISING CHILDREN. All of us have this drive to control. You might think it is okay because you think you are using it for the greater good in your household. For example, (and this is my example from my life) let's say you don't want the children watching tv...your husband likes to relax and unwind in front of the tv at night. Your children want to be where he is. You try to keep them out of the room by distracting them, but you have been with them all day and want to unwind a bit also. Night after night you watch your children soaking up all that ungodly stuff...exactly the opposite of what you are trying to do with them during the day. He is undoing it...how dare he! Night after night there is contention in your house...even if you don't say a word the kids feel it. You think that you will change your husband by pushing harder. This is an illusion, ladies...it will never happen. (See 1 Peter 3:4, James 1:20 and Romans 12:18.) The atmosphere in your home will become caustic. It will eat away at your children's souls. They will become rebellious and bitter. This is much much worse than the effects of watching too much tv in the evenings. Put your problems in perspective. No home is perfect. Put your hobby horses aside and allow your husband to live in a home without your continual dripping. You might be saying now...whoa, slow down...that is a little harsh. It might be, but I can speak like this because this is my example...this is the exhortation I gave myself and it was a great lesson learned. My husband did not respond to my contrariness..he did, however, respond to me after I went to the Lord, confessed my sin and asked Him to change my heart attitude of contention and disrespect. My children were much more affected by the discord between my husband and I than anything inappropriate they might have seen on tv. Watch your children's eyes and body language when you contend with your husband. It speaks volumes. There is no greater gift you can give them aside from Jesus Christ than a peaceful home. Even if it means that they might grow up with some not so great habits...maybe a little lazy and lacking a little in the self control area. So what! They will have grown up in a home where they were emotionally secure, valued and loved and where the Christian life was not just given lip service but lived. Of course, there is room for a biblical reproof, but most of us have no problem doing this. (seeing the spec in my husband's eye is not difficult for me)
When you disrespect your husband you are tearing down your house. You are rejecting the ultimate authority in your home. You are, therefore, eroding the very concept of authority in your children's minds. You are training them in REBELLION!
No Greater Joy Volume Three says it best: If you resist this exhortation and continue to contend with your husband you will "die with the satisfaction that it was your husband that destroyed your family---you stood on your principles."
Now with all that said...
Respecting your husband is not something that he needs to earn...biblical respect for your husband is commanded by God. It is something that you choose to show him regardless of circumstances and in spite of your feelings. You do it in obedience to the One who died for you.
I loved the list on page 109: Here it is in case you missed it. "Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband--that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him, and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly. Do we even give our God that much deference and reverence. I don't know about you but I fall far short of this!
Just getting the basics right on this one is hard ...not even considering what your inner heart attitude might be...a roll of an eye...or perhaps a slight change in your countenance...a less than sincere tone...an indirect question to which there is no really right response...a small change in your priorities....thinking more highly of yourself than you ought...all these indicate a less than respectful attitude on your part toward your husband. Check out the self-assessment on page 115. I found it to be quite an eye opener. Read the list to your husband and ask him how he would rate you. Then spend some time really listening to yourself as you respond and interact with your husband. Put yourself in his shoes...do you feel honored, deferred to, respected? I think respect like love is something that we need to put on.
Two verses really help me in this: Ephesians 4:1-3 "I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, keeping the unity of Spirit in the bond of peace all go along way toward respecting your husband. The word worthy in this verse has the idea of living to match one's position in Christ. Paul exhorts us to be everything the Lord wants and enables us to be. The other verse is in 1st Corinthians 13:5 "Love does not behave rudely." This one is so basic but goes so far in endearing us to our husbands.
Getting this one right takes a lot of self-awareness, diligence and hard work. Genesis 3:16 makes it that way: It says ..."Your desire shall be for your husband. And he shall rule over you."It is God's desire and command for you to respect your husband ..it is His best for you and for your family.
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