Submission to Husbands - 1 Peter 3:6

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,  when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.  Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—  rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.  For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands,  as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.--1 Peter 3:1-6


Dear Suzanne, Rebecca, Anna and Mikayla,

I love these verses and make no apology for loving them.  They are some of the most beautiful, family friendly verses in the bible. This is marriage God's way and it can only be done in surrender to the Holy Spirit dwelling inside you.  There cannot be two heads to a household...just like there cannot be two presidents of the United States...the result is chaos.  A household that serves the Lord must be submitted to the order that God has deemed to be right and best.  These verses are just practical.  Jesus submitted to His Father in everything...He was not diminished by it, in fact He was exalted above every name on heaven and on earth. The safest place for anyone to be is in the will of God.  The will of God for wives is to be in submission to their husbands as to the Lord.  This is where they are protected.  This is where they can serve God best.

 By submitting to your husband's authority you are submitting to God's authority. Not submitting is rebellion (sin) plain and simple. Submission does not in any way imply inferiority nor does it say anything about the man's personal worthiness or even his spiritual condition. We submit to our husbands as a loving act of obedience to our God. This is His will for us. Submission to your husband is God's desire for you.

As women, we need to be honest with ourselves.  Our husbands do not and cannot meet all our needs. They do not satisfy every desire that we have.  But many of us expect just that...and some of you lay it all at your man's feet.  Go back to Genesis.  Your man is a sinner just as you are.  You will have difficulty in the flesh as long as you live on this earth.  You will have even more difficulty if you are a believer and are not obeying your Lord.  Marriage can really only work God's way.  He has the directions and the blueprints for it because, you know...He established it way back in Genesis.  The bible tells us in several places that there is no partiality with God.  We are all equal in His sight. There are, however, different roles that each of us are given.  The woman's role is to be her husband's "helpmeet".  This is her first and most important ministry.  When Adam and Eve fell into sin in Genesis 3, God pronounced curses on each of them.  Here is what He said to the woman:

"To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.”

Did you get that last part.  As wives we will want to usurp our husband's authority. This is never ever pretty.   The best way to bypass this curse is to obey God.  Submit to your husband as unto the Lord.  Obey Him as you would your Father in heaven.  In fact, the best thing you could do for your marriage and your children is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  Look to Him to fulfill your need and their you will find rest for your soul.  Your marriage and the children that God blesses you will flourish and bear much fruit. Modern society will laugh...but God's word has stood the test of time...a marriage based on it will be blessed.

The second verse here is something that I can attest to personally.  My husband and I were married for 7 years before I came to the Lord.  Marriage without the Lord for us was disastrous. When I came to the Lord, my demeanor toward my husband became quieter and gentler...really through no effort of mine.  It was all God.  I did not even know that biblically this is what I was suppose to do.   God led me and because of the work that He had done in my heart, my husband was saved a short while after I came to the Lord. The change that God wrought in him before my very eyes convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was real and He did perform miracles.  I was just getting over the miracle that God had worked in my own selfish, prideful heart but now to see Him do that same work in my husband's heart brought me joy that was unspeakable.

Peter goes on to tell us not to let our adornment be only outward but to let it be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious to the Lord.   This is what is valuable to our Lord.  Our gentle and quiet spirits.  This is what will attract our husband's to us. This is what will erase the lines on our faces and dissolve the hardened look  It is amazing what God does with a life that is submitted to Him...that is seeking Him first above all else and giving Him pre-eminence. When both a woman and a man find their ultimate satisfaction in God their Savior and are immersed in His word,  their marriage will flourish.  The pressure is removed from both of their shoulders and the fighting and the hidden agendas cease.  They are a joy to be around.  His love and joy  flows from both and their times together are sweet and rich.

Peter uses Sarah as the model of a submitted woman in verses 5 and 6 which say that Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him lord. In Genesis 18:12 Sarah says this in her heart...Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, "After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?"  She spoke of Abraham as her lord in her heart...she recognized the role God had given him and honored him even when she was not speaking aloud. True submission cannot be commanded...it comes from the heart and it  is beautiful to behold. Jesus Christ submitted to death so that we could be saved.  The key to this kind of submission is trusting God and putting Him at the center.  

Purpose in your heart ahead of time to submit to your husband.   Decide ahead of the opportunity to respond rightly. When you are tested, you have already decided that you are going the way of obedience. The way that wholly pleases your God. (Deciding to submit ahead of time really does help! The hard decision has already been made.) This is what Sarah did by calling him lord in her heart.

This is so needed in marriage today.  You will probably not agree with everything your husband might want to do or share his vision.  When your husband does share a desire or vision he has with you, share your thoughts and perspective on the subject...but end with something like, "whatever the Lord leads."  If he decides to do whatever he spoke of, your job as his wife is to come alongside and help.  Embrace his goals...his plans...his decision.  Stay by his side. Travel when he travels...be there for him...despite the difficulty it might mean for you.  If your husband leads you and your family down a wrong path, the Lord will deal with him directly.  You are under God's protection because in submitting to your husband you are in His will.  Your family will be blessed by your submission. Don't strive with your husband.  Don't get in his way. Don't let him go it alone...he was not meant to be alone.  In fact the man being alone is the only thing God said was not good in Genesis. Do what you can to help him realize the goal or the vision. The Lord will bless this kind of attitude abundantly.

Love
Mom

Note: Christian submission never involves disobedience to God, nor does it include remaining in unsafe situations or participating in anything that our conscience bans.


Love
Mom

Chapter 20 and 21: The Wife's Loneliness and Sorrow

I am combining these two...I can't write about one and not the other....This one is not from the book but from my heart...

Loneliness and Sorrow have been two of the greatest gifts to me from the Lord.They are what drew me closer to Him and made me realize that He is my all in all.. That He is my strong tower, my fortress, my strength and most of all my companion at all times. The One who will never leave me nor forsake me..there is nothing that man can do to me...My God is with me. Solomon writes in the Song of Solomon..."Come away with me, my love....I have learned to seek the Lord and go to Him...my bible is my friend...it is my most precious possession. I have received such comfort from the Lord through His word. I can remember reaching the top of my emotional pain scale and right at the time of my greatest suffering I realized without a shadow of a doubt that I would not trade this trial for my life to be back the way it was...No...what would cause more pain then and now would be the removal of my desire to seek Jesus...I finally wanted Jesus more than I wanted anything else! (not that there aren't battles)...but my heart truly learned that day (I can remember the moment and I can remember where I was) that fellowship with Him was to be desired above all else. I understood that my greatest joy was Him..that despite my circumstances I could rejoice in Him and live for Him.

Some of my wrong reactions to loneliness and grief were: self-pity...woe is me, a lack of thankfulness, trying to push away the feelings instead of bringing them to God, focusing on what I didn't have, discontentedness...Self-pity sends a lonely and grieving person into the pit of despair and depression...Looking outward and upward rather than inward is the only remedy. Spending time in God's word helped me renew my mind and see the loneliness and grief as an opportunity to obey God even though my feelings wanted me to do something else...It was a huge step of faith and I took very tiny steps but with each one my Lord was there to light up my darkness and show me the results of my tiny steps of faith. Loneliness and grief became my companions (Hinds feet on High Places) and that was okay because I was learning and seeing so much truth as God's word came to life for me...it also gave me opportunities to do things I wouldn't normally have tried...my focus always being on people and the gratification of being in relationships) There is much more to me today than there was 10 years ago...I have had the opportunity to spend lots and lots of time with my children, my husband and with the Lord and His word. I have developed many hobbies...drawing, writing, sewing, crocheting...Much much fruit has come from that time. I no longer see my husband as someone to fix my feelings and be my sole and only companion but as a fellow sojourner whom the Lord has graciously given me to be a helpmeet to.

In summary what did I learn through my own loneliness and sorrow...seek Jesus without ceasing...cry out and admit your need to Him. Read, study and memorize His word. Look to it as your necessary food. Look at the moment...at what God has for you to do right now...pray and by faith do it.

Just a few verses that I meditated on during that time: Owe no one anything but love...love suffers long and is kind...love does not seek its own...hopes all things, endures all things, bears all things...love never fails...let my gentleness...my bigheartedness, my willingness to overlook offenses be known to all men...commit myself to Him who judges righteously, let the Lord fight for you and you shall hold your peace..before honor is humility...humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will exalt you in due time casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you, God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble...but may the God of all grace who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you..Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path...If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me; psalm 130, the Lord will perfect that which concerns me, in the multitude of my anxieties within your comforts delight my soul...psalm 139....the joy of the Lord is my strength...but you O Lord are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth...

The following verse from psalm 84 is the background music behind everything: Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, Whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (tears or weeping) They make it a spring. The rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength, Each one appears before God in Zion..remembering that as Christians our suffering has meaning and purpose...that the Lord works all things together for good to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose should help us to use it as an opportunity to glorify Him and fulfill His purposes in us and through us.

Chapter 19: The Wife's Fear - Overcoming Anxiety

Psalm 94:19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.
Psalm 118:8 [It is] better to trust in the LORD Than to put confidence in man. (this is the very center verse of the bible)
Psalm 138:8 The LORD will perfect [that which] concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, [endures] forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.


As I put the time in to write these posts and study what God's word says about being a Christian wife I have been so blessed. Each chapter has shown me areas where I need to be more faithful and encouraged me in other areas to not grow weary... This particular chapter has come at a time when I needed to increase my faith...to take off anxiety and fear and put on love.

In preparing for this post I have also looked at Stuart Scott's book The Exemplary Husband to see what it said about anxiety and fear.

I am going to try to keep this short and practical...

Definitions first:

Godly concern - Is focusing on today's responsibilities, others and eternal concerns. Our eyes are on the Lord. It is caring about the important things but ultimately trusting in God's faithfulness and sovereignty. It does not lead to a lack of peace and trust. (Isaiah 26:3 - You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is set on You because he trusts in You)

Ungodly concern - (anxiety) Is focusing on the future...what might happen. It is concerned with self...not others. Our eyes are not on the Lord they are on our circumstances. We are not focused on what is true and helpful and are blown about by every wind of emotion. Ungodly concern is sin.

Godly fear - fear of God and also a right and reasonable fear of danger or difficulty. The fear of God is a reverential awe of who God is. The person who has a proper fear of God will obey Him and love Him. He will face dangerous or difficult situations with the appropriate response. He lives in reality and assesses situations and how they might affect him reasonably. God is always in the picture and acknowledged. Our fear or our feelings do not keep us from doing what is right. (Psalm 56:3 - When I am afraid, I will trust in You)

Ungodly fear - Is self-focused. God is not in our thoughts. We are not thinking of others. We are lacking trust in Him and therefore sinning. When we fail to do what we know is right we are experiencing ungodly fear. When we give in to ungodly fear we are calling God a liar. Numbers 23:19 says: God [is] not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?

What we should know about ungodly fear:
1. Ungodly fears are directly related to what we are thinking. Martha Peace has talked about how what we are thinking affects how we behave. Remember...sin begins in the mind...it is a process. You can either feed the thought or starve it. Take it captive or let it loose. So choose to tell yourself scripturally calming thoughts. Focus on what is good and pure and noble and right. Check out Proverbs 4:23 and Philippians 4:8.

2. Ungodly fear comes from focusing on our circumstances rather than God. We need to understand just who God is. Do a study on how God is described in the Old Testament. Study Jesus who is the Father revealed. Read about Jacob in Genesis 32:7-12...or Joshua in Numbers 13:25 - 14:5. Psalm 55:22 tells us to: Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Another really good one is Psalm 77:4-14.

3. Ungodly fear is focused inward and therefore selfish...opposite of love. Philippians 2:4 is a good one here: Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

4. Ungodly fear is kind of like an idol in that you put IT before your fear of God. We become unfaithful...forgetting about His word and His promises. Some things you may fear more than God are man, circumstances, loss, and bodily harm. So you want man's approval, a life of ease, money, health, a person, etc., safety more than you want God.

5. Ungodly fear leads to more sin...i.e lying, following the wrong person or people...or maybe like Peter...deny your Lord.

6. Ungodly fear does not do you any good...but can cause harm. Psalm 37 tells us not to fret it only causes harm.

The more you act on your fears rather than trust in God and His word the more fearful you will become. Instead we must endure through them and obey God.

So examine yourself...stop calling your sin by another name: "being stressed out" concerned, an anxiety disorder, or my favorite "just the way I am." Figure out what makes you fearful. Confess and repent of your sins of ungodly fear to God and others whom your fear may have affected. Then renew your mind with Scripture. Find the verses that speak to your heart about your fear. Meditate on them...memorize them and bring them to mind when you see yourself falling into the trap (sin) of anxious thinking. Decide what right thoughts and actions you are going to use to fight the ones you usually have. Thoughts and scriptures here should be thankful, hopeful, trusting and loving. Ask God to really help you work in this area.

Stuart Scott, the author of the Exemplary Husband, recommends doing the following bible studies before fear hits again.

1. A study of God's sovereignty (Isaiah 46:9-11, Genesis 50:20, Jeremiah 32:27, Romans 8:28
2. A study of God's presence and care: (Joshua 1:9, Psalm 27:1-14, Psalm 23:4)
3. A study of God's sufficient grace (help) in times of trouble (Isaiah 41: 10, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Hebrews 4:16)

When you are fearful...
1. Seek the Lord and His help. Go boldly to His throne of grace for help in your time of need. (psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.)

2. Check your thought processes...are they focused on God or headed in the wrong direction? What are you fearing more than God?

3. Put on trust, responsibility and above all love...which the bible says is not only the bond of perfection but that perfect love casts out fear. Focus on God, His Word, His promises, things eternal, others, etc.

4. Stop and ask yourself what is the right thing to do...i.e. loving, trusting, helpful, constructive, responsible.

5. Endure the temptation to fear...show your love for God and others by your obedience.

6.. If you fail...confess, repent, figure out what you can do differently in the future and be on guard again. Psalm 40:8 I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law [is] within my heart."

Do not let your fear control you or ensnare you. You can through practice change the anxiety pattern.


You will keep [him] in perfect peace, [Whose] mind [is] stayed [on You], Because he trusts in You. You will keep [him] in perfect peace, [Whose] mind [is] stayed [on You], Because he trusts in You.

Chapter 18: The Wife's Anger - Overcoming Impatience

Psalm 103:8 The LORD [is] merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.

If you have been spending some time reading and rereading the various chapters of this book and applying the biblical principles in your daily life, you may have noticed that you struggle more "in doing the right thing" in some areas than others. If that is the case, (it was for me) then the next few chapters are for you. In these Martha Peace discusses some special concerns (or sins) that a wife may have. The wife's anger is the first concern addressed.

The bible talks about two kinds of anger righteous and unrighteous. Rarely are we righteously anger. If we are, we are not sinning, are completely controlled by the Spirit of God and are not thinking of ourselves. So an angry person reacts selfishly and is not Spirit controlled but rather self controlled in order to achieve his own end. People express their anger in a number of different ways...Some of them are obvious: yelling, throwing things around, telling someone off, cursing, abusive speech, and hitting. Some are quieter and may be harder to notice but sinful nevertheless: silent treatment, glare, meditating on wrong thoughts, eye rolling, snorting, frustration, and irritation.

Outlined below are some reasons not to respond in anger...

Anger destroys trust and is forbidden by Scripture. (Matt 5:22) It is a destroyer of relationships and is a betrayal to those you love whom God has placed in your care. If you succumb to outbursts of wrath, however infrequently, you are undermining your relationship with your family. Your children need to feel safe with you. They need to know and believe that you will act with their best interests at heart. Safe enough to come to you when they have done wrong and want to talk about it, safe enough to trust you with their feelings, safe enough with you to know that you are their soft place to fall and most of all safe enough with you to relax and be themselves around you. It is the same for your husband. The heart of your husband should safely trust you.

Anger is a grievous sin. Like any sin anger begins in the heart. Our heart is sometimes referred to as the seat of our will. Our thoughts, motives and intentions reside there. Because anger begins here...it is a deliberate willful action. Although, your sudden outbursts of wrath may not seem to involve any conscious decision on your part...they always do. If this is the case, it will take some time of diligently putting it off to change the pattern.

Matt 15:19 says this: For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.

Anger is not productive The Bible says in James that the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. It doesn't work...in fact it makes you go backward in your relationships. Okay...so sometimes it does work for the moment to get people moving and doing what you want them to do, but at what cost?

Anger gets stronger with use and feeds our flesh. Contrary to popular belief it is not a good idea to express or vent anger. Anger is a deed of the flesh and as such gets stronger with expression. Instead starve it...make it weaker. Living according to the flesh sets our minds on the things of the flesh (Romans 8:5) but focusing on the Spirit sets our minds on the things above....what is important to God.

Anger is productive in bearing the wrong kind of fruit. You will also notice that in addition to anger getting stronger as it is vented it also causes you to sin in other ways.

Colossians 3:8 says: But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.

Think of all those things you say in anger that you regret...the tone of voice you use that is less than respectful...the language. Anger compounds your sin and defiles those around you.

Being more specific anger is connected to pride...
Proverb 21:24 A proud [and] haughty [man]--"Scoffer" [is] his name; He acts with arrogant pride.

To Cruelty...Genesis 49:7 Cursed [be] their anger, for [it is] fierce; And their wrath, for it is cruel! I will divide them in Jacob And scatter them in Israel.
Proverbs 27:4 Wrath [is] cruel and anger a torrent, But who [is] able to stand before jealousy?

To Clamour and evil-speaking: Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

To Malice and blasphemy: Col 3:8 But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.

To Strife and contention: Proverbs 21:19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.
Proverbs 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression.
Proverbs 30:33 For [as] the churning of milk produces butter, And wringing the nose produces blood, So the forcing of wrath produces strife.

Anger brings its own punishment.

Job 5:2 For wrath kills a foolish man, And envy slays a simple one.
Proverbs 19:19 [A man of] great wrath will suffer punishment; For if you rescue [him], you will have to do it again.
Proverbs 25:28 Whoever [has] no rule over his own spirit [Is like] a city broken down, without walls.
Psalm 37:8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret--[it] only [causes] harm.

Anger stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Galatians 5:15 But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!

Anger is a characteristic of fools. This one works best for me because I am prideful and abhor thinking myself a fool. :D Any port in a storm though...

Proverbs 12:16 A fool's wrath is known at once, But a prudent [man] covers shame.
Proverbs 14:29 [He who is] slow to wrath has great understanding, But [he who is] impulsive exalts folly.
Proverbs 27:3A stone [is] heavy and sand [is] weighty, But a fool's wrath [is] heavier than both of them.
Eccl 7:9 Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools.

How can anger be averted or changed to gentleness?
I LOVED Martha Peace's scriptural method for changing problem character issues...a.k.a...sin. :D

All Scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 2nd Timothy 3:16

Memorize and use it for any character trait...It is God's recipe for character training. Teach it to your kids...

First is doctrine or teaching...find out what God says about anger or any other sin struggle in your life. Memorize and meditate on those scriptures of particular relevance to you. Spend some time here...Really find out what the bible says about a certain topic. It helps also to look at the opposite character trait. For example, the opposites of anger are meekness, humility and patience. Studying what the bible has to say about these will help you put off your anger and put on the right biblical virtues. (I have found that the Thompson Chain reference is great for this kind of study as well as the Blue Letter Bible available on the net.) Let the water of the word flow over you and teach you and thereby convict you. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

Second is reproof...A reproof is simply having someone tell you (or you tell yourself) what you are doing wrong according to Scripture) Be accountable to someone if you can who is available to point out the problem when it is evident. If not be on your guard, yourself. It should be a very matter of fact process...here is what you or (I) did...here is what the bible says. It really does help to write down what you were thinking right away when you get angry. It will help you see where your thinking was not biblical and more readily see the appropriate correction.

Next is correction....replace the wrong words or actions with the right ones. Confess each angry incident to God. Keep humbling yourself before Him and asking for His grace and mercy. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Use your word studies and verse memorization from the teaching step to help you here in finding the right traits to put on. Martha Peace gives us some good examples of wrong thoughts vs right thoughts on page 213 and 214.

The last step is training in righteousness. This is the hardest. This is the one that takes discipline..you are the one who needs to be consistently ruthless with your sin and diligently apply yourself to the study of the word of God. This is where the next verse in 2nd Timothy comes into play. That the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3:17 Our goal is to be more and more like our Lord Jesus Christ...we are to be holy as He is holy. Gal 6:9 tells us...And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

An earlier verse in 2nd Timothy calls for continuing in these things..But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned [them], 2nd Timothy 3:14.

Remember why we are here on this earth...to glorify our Father in Heaven...To somehow, through His grace, reflect a little bit of His light to those God has placed in our lives. So...

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

AND

Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, Philippians 2:14-15

Chapter 17 Conflict: Quietness of the Wife's Spirit

Proverbs 17:14 The beginning of strife [is like] releasing water; Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.

Prov 20:3 [It is] honorable for a man to stop striving, Since any fool can start a quarrel.

Read a few more to get warmed to the subject. :D

Proverbs 21:9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverb 21:19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.

Proverbs 27:15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike;

Prov 13:10 By pride comes nothing but strife, But with the well-advised [is] wisdom.

Are we getting the message? The Lord repeats this theme in a multiple of ways over and over again in His word. (Kinda like we do with our kids, sometimes) He must really want us to hear it.

If only we could remember just at the beginning of a conflict what an impact we have on our families by the way we respond. Many of us respond to our husbands in ways we wouldn't even consider responding to a friend or someone outside our home. It is not a question of knowing how to respond...I think most of us know how to respond. Sometimes, however, with those closest to us we get lazy. We forget God's purpose for us. We were created to be helpmates for our husbands and the caretaker of the home and children. Responding with anything other than a humble and gentle spirit then is rebellion against God's perfect will for us.

Hear this next part...it is important. What you communicate to your children through your relationship with your husband will stay with them for the rest of their lives. That should be a sobering thought. Children will learn all the fundamental lessons of love, forgiveness, joy, humility, compassion, patience, self-sacrifice, virtue, sin...I could go on...from observing their parents interact. What YOU teach them right or wrong will be rooted deep in their hearts. If you are patient, your children will be patient. If you are loving and compassionate, your children will display these qualities. If you turn to Jesus for help, so will they.

As wives do what you can to send the right messages to your kids. Don't say...but my husband...change your behavior...NOW. Don't look back...press on for the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus. Answer your husband with grace and humility. Let your gentleness, as the bible says in Philippians, be known. Are you known as a gentle woman in your household? I am not, but oh, how I long to be.

Don't look at what the cost of behaving this way will be to your pride. Yeah, it will be humiliating ... focus on the results. What will be the outcome or fruit of your changed reactions. Sometimes we can get so embroiled in conflict that we can no longer see the big picture. The next time a conflict starts try to step back and view it as a play in which you want the godly outcome. Put aside your own offense and make the sacrifice of righteousness. Again do not concern yourself with how others in your household react....YOU respond rightly...You be the first to change...and see what the Lord will do with your obedience and faithfulness.

NOTE: I wrote the above on my palm in my car while waiting for one of my daughter's classes to finish. I was tested as soon as I arrived home on this. I failed miserably. It is clear to me that this is an area that Satan does not want us to persevere and will do what he can to condemn and thwart our efforts. Look up! Press on! Make a practice of having a gentle and quiet spirit. Most of all remember that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Be convicted but not condemned.

In Chapter 16 we discussed how our wrong words are generated from our wrong thoughts. Martha Peace gives us some self-justifying thoughts that hinder our ability to solve conflicts. As Christians we are called to endure. In order to do this we need to renew our mind with Scripture. Some excellent examples of this strategy are given on pages 196-198. Review them and ask yourself if you are guilty of any of these.

Chapter 17 also discusses three kinds of conflict that occur in marriage. I am going to concentrate on the one that is most common and affects me and therefore those around me on a daily basis. My own selfishness.

Marital conflict was set in motion back in Genesis Chapter 3. Genesis 3:16 says this: To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire [shall be] for your husband, And he shall rule over you."

John MacArthur makes this statement about Your desire...he shall rule. "Just as the woman and her seed will engage in a war with the serpent. i.e. Satan and his seed(vs 15), because of sin and the curse, the man and the woman will face struggles in their own relationship. Sin has turned the harmonious system of God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will. Lifelong companions, husbands and wives, will need God's help in getting along as a result. The woman's desire will be to lord it over her husband, but the husband will rule by divine design. (Eph. 5:22-25). This interpretation of the curse is based upon the identical Hebrew words and grammar being used in Genesis 4:7 to show the conflict man will have with sin as it seeks to rule him. Genesis 4:7 reads this way: "If you do well, will you (Cain) not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire [is] for you, but you should rule over it."

We need God's help here ladies...it is a battle from the beginnings of time. Eve wanted what she wanted and took it. Our own selfishness gets in the way of the relationship we want to have with our husbands. Look to His word for help. It is not about what your husband said or did...it is about glorifying our Father in heaven in our words and deeds. Worship Him through your right words and deeds. Teach your children how to respond biblically. Pouting, manipulation, outburst of wrath, selfishness and nagging are all learned sinful behaviors. Change them using Scripture to show you the more excellent way.

Lastly, Ms Peace gives us some character qualities that are necessary to solve conflict. They are humility, gentleness, patience and forbearance. Let's look at each one and discover what they might mean to us in the middle of a conflict.

Humility: I used the Blue letter bible and found these meanings:

1) having a humble opinion of one's self

2) a deep sense of one's (moral) littleness

3) modesty, humility, lowliness of mind

Well, okay...I guess I see how humility would help. :D More from the Blue Letter Bible (BLB) "because it is only the humble heart which is also meek; and which, as such, does not fight against God, and more or less struggle and contend with Him." So when we contend with our husbands we are contending with God. I accidentally typed "so when we are content with our husbands....Hmmm, that has an application also. We can be content because all we have comes from God and He always has our best interests at heart. Here is my favorite though: John Mac
Arthur says that humility is the perfect antidote to the self-love that poisons human relationships.

Here are some verses for meditation...

Phil 2:3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.

1 Peter 5:5 Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to [your] elders. Yes, all of [you] be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble."

Prov 15:33 The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom, And before honor [is] humility.

Col 3:12 Therefore, as [the] elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

Meekness: In most cases meekness is always translated as gentleness. It is the willingness to suffer injury or insult rather than inflict such hurts. It is what Jesus was at the cross. He had the ability to retaliate but instead He allowed Himself to be led as a lamb to slaughter. Meekness is the opposite of being out of control as we might think. John MacArthur says that meekness is not weakness, but rather supreme self-control empowered by the Spirit. Think then of meekness as power under control. Meekness makes a decision to put the other first. This type of attitude heals and edifies. Next time you are beginning to get embroiled in a conflict with your husband, look fully into the faces and eyes of your children. Really see the damage and the hurt you are causing. Turn from your sin and put on meekness. Here are some verses to renew your mind.

Gal 5:23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law
.
Eph.4:2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,

Col 3:12 Therefore, as [the] elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;

2nd Cor 10:1 Now I, Paul, myself am pleading with you by the meekness and gentleness of Christ--who in presence am lowly among you, but being absent am bold toward you.

Matt 11:29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Patience: Here is an outline of biblical uses for the word patience from the BLB.

1) to be of a long spirit, not to lose heart

a) to persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles

b) to be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others

1) to be mild and slow in avenging

2) to be longsuffering, slow to anger, slow to punish

I think we all can see how this quality would help in conflict resolution. How far I fall short!

Some verses for meditation:

Heb 6:15 And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.

James 5:7 Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See [how] the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain.

James 5:8 You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

1 Cor 13:4 Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

Longsuffering: be patient, to have patience, to suffer long, to patiently endure. So if you think you have BEEN patient it is time to start meditating on suffering long. Let's look at the Old Testament here for verses...Patience and longsuffering are virtues that the Lord uses to describe Himself.

Exodus 34:6 And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth,

Nehemiah 9:17 They refused to obey, And they were not mindful of Your wonders That You did among them. But they hardened their necks, And in their rebellion* They appointed a leader To return to their bondage. But You [are] God, Ready to pardon, Gracious and merciful, Slow to anger, Abundant in kindness, And did not forsake them.

Psalm 145:8 The LORD [is] gracious and full of compassion, Slow to anger and great in mercy.

Prov 14:29 [He who is] slow to wrath has great understanding, But [he who is] impulsive* exalts folly.

Prov 15:18 A wrathful man stirs up strife, But [he who is] slow to anger allays contention.

Prov 16:32 [He who is] slow to anger [is] better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

In closing, you have one time around with your family to do it right. If you are behaving selfishly and causing conflict or increasing the conflict with your bad reactions in your home, repent. Diligently apply these qualities in your day to day marital relationship with your husband. You will be amazed at how your obedience will not only be a blessing to those around you, but to you as well as your family follows your lead and begins to respond with these attitudes also.

Communication - Control of the Wife's Tongue

 From Chapter 16 of The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace:

James 3:6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature and it is set on fire by hell.

So much of the bad feelings and problems in a marriage could be eliminated if even just one partner...that would be us, the wives... practiced sweetness of speech.

Matthew 12:34c says "for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." James tells us that if anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Who knows what wonderful things the Lord could do in our lives if we became spiritually mature in this area and had control over our tongues! How Christ could be glorified!

Let's spend some time looking at Matthew 12:34c. This is the verse I find most helpful in the area of speaking sweetly and communicating biblically. "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." It reminds me that my wrong words (my impatient words, my angry words, my judgmental words, my careless words, my loveless words, my rash and/or foolish words, and finally my thoughtless words) come from my wrong thoughts.

James 1:14-15 says, But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. He tells us here that sin is not a spontaneous act but the result of a process. We are drawn away (lured) by our own desires. When wrong words are spoken, it is crucial to stop and ask yourself why you reacted or spoke in such a way. What were you meditating on? What did you want that you were not getting? What did you think you deserved? It is not just good enough here to change how you sound on the outside...Jesus cares about your heart. Search your heart because the bible says that out of it springs the issues of life. It also says that our hearts are desperately wicked, who can know them? Allow the Word of God to do a work from the inside out. Confess your sin, put it off, renew your mind with the truth and put on love. How do we do this?

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

Once we see these wrong thought patterns we can begin to chip away at them by taking each one captive unto the obedience of Christ.

Some of us might even be in bondage to wrong thinking. We might have a stronghold or fortress where we retreat when we are hurt and angry. If you are enslaved by some wrong thinking, your response when cornered or under pressure will not be godly. God is our strong tower. We are to run to Him. The bible tells us to use the sword of the spirit to pull down these strongholds. We are to assault error with the truth of God's Word. Human wisdom, ingenuity, or self-help books are powerless against the lies that corrupt our thinking and our reactions. It is a spiritual battle we are in...the truth will set us free and enable us to react rightly to our husband and to others.

As we become diligent about examining what we are meditating on and taking our thoughts captive, we will be making a practice of sweet speech. The word discipline in the New Testament comes from the word gymnazo which means to exercise or to train. In other words to do it over and over again until you get it right. The pursuit of godliness takes perseverance.

There are many verses that help us in the area of sweet speech. Here are a few of my favorites...but do your own study. Meditate on them and hide them in your heart.

The bible tells us in Ephesians chapter 4 to speak the truth in love. In the same chapter it says this: Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. I like to remember this as "NEGG". Speak only what is necessary, edifying, good and gives grace.

On the subject of judging motives 1st Samuel 1:3 says this: Talk no more so very proudly; Let no arrogance come from your mouth, For the LORD is the God of knowledge; And by Him actions are weighed. Below are more in no particular order:

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 17:27 He who has knowledge spares his words, And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.
Mt 5:37 But let your yes be yes and your no, no. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
Col 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.
Tit 2:8 Sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you.
Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord.
Proverbs 15:23 A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, And a word spoken in due season, how good it is!
Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.
Ec 10:12 The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious, but the lips of a fool shall swallow him up;
Isaiah 50:4 The Lord God has given Me the tongue of the learned, That I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary.
Psalm 141:3 Set a guard O Lord over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.
Deut 6:7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
Col 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.
Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

Chapter 15 Honoring Christ: Key to the Wife's Motivation

Having the right heart attitude is paramount in implementing biblical submission into your life. Ask yourself what truly is your heart attitude when it comes to submitting to your husband. Are your motives based on your feelings at the moment? Are they selfish? In order to make a practice of biblically submitting to our husbands it helps if our motivation is greater than our own selfish desires...our motivation should be to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ. As stated in an earlier post it is crucial to decide ahead of time to honor God, to do the right thing, with the right motive. Give your feelings to God and obey Him. As you make a practice of this in your relationship with your husband you will begin to reap the rich temporal and eternal rewards of being in the center of God's will. Put off getting what you want at the moment and see what God will do in your life when you trust Him daily by placing yourself in His care.

In Chapter 15 Martha Peace lists 20 motivational principles for submission along with a scripture to reinforce the point.

I have added additional scriptures for most principles to encourage you on your way...

1. Being grateful...remember what God has done and how much we have been forgiven. I am reminded here of the parable of the wicked servant whose master forgave him much and he did not go and do likewise. We need to always remember the mercy we have been shown and do likewise. Be grateful for the forgiveness you have received by honoring and obeying God.

2. Look to Christ for your example. Do a study on His submission to the Father. He never said or did anything outside of the Father's will. In fact Jesus said in John 14 that if you had seen him you had seen the Father also. Philippians 2:5-17 says it best:

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
17 Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. 18 For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me.

3. Renew your mind with Scripture: Be aware of the thoughts and intents of your heart and be ruthless with the ones that are not God honoring...constantly renewing your mind with Scripture and what is right. The thought and intent of my heart usually tends toward being offended because I think I am getting less than I THINK I deserve. Or worse when I am noting how much I am doing and how little others in the household are doing. You know...when everyone else is sitting down and you are doing all those things that make for the smooth running of the household. The verse that helps me here is from Luke Chapter 17 verse 10: So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’”

4. True beauty and adornment comes from trusting God. Have you ever really looked at some women who supposedly have it all according to the world? I mean really looked at their faces...Their beauty is marred by their driven countenance. I have seen some Christian women have this look also...Isaiah 26:3 says that God will keep you in perfect peace when your mind is set on Him. Look up...relax...

5. Biblical submission shows love to God. Martha Peace has a great one here. John 14:15 - If you love Me, you will keep my commandments. The fruit of our salvation is obedience to the Father. Ephes 2:8-10 - For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

6. Biblical submission is a way to show love to your husband. The famous 1 Cor 13:-4-8 is the winner here. Love fulfills the law. Romans 13:8-10 says this: 8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9 For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

7. View biblical submission through God's sovereignty and goodness. The Lord does all things well...He is in control. He has a purpose in every circumstance. Don't argue with your maker...obey...See what the Lord will do! Romans 8:28 is a good one here: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

8. God uses others to put pressure on a wife to be submissive. Be teachable...maybe someone does know more than you. Proverbs are filled with admonitions to listen and get wisdom. Here are a few: Prov 1:5 A wise man will hear and increase learning, And a man of understanding will attain wise counsel...Prov 9: 6-9 Forsake foolishness and live, And go in the way of understanding. “ He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself, And he who rebukes a wicked man only harms himself. 8 Do not correct a scoffer, lest he hate you; Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you. 9 Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; Teach a just man, and he will increase in learning. It is also helpful to remember that proverbs also tells us that "any fool can start a quarrel."

9. A wife should train herself to be biblically submissive. Again, practice makes perfect. This one takes ALOT of practice, prayer and the power of God.

10. Learn the biblical dynamics of authority and rebellion...Holding God's word as the standard by which you live your life is vital here. Rebellion is shaking your fist at God. You are telling Him that you know best. This is a serious sin. I have Isaiah 45:9 written out on the very first page of my bible. It says Woe unto him who argues with his Maker. Figures of the potter and the clay and of parent and child show how absurd it is to contend with God over His plans for the future. When you strive with your husband's decisions, you are striving with the Lord!

11. Seek biblical counsel from someone who will exhort and admonish you to be submissive. Find someone who holds the Word of God very high. Someone who is going to exhort you to do right. Someone who knows the Scripture and walks the walk.

12. Humbly receive your husband's correction and reproof. This goes back to being wise and listening to rebukes. Do not make it hard for your husband to rule over you. Even if the rebuke is in your opinion said in an unkind or thoughtless manner, find what is true in it, repent and mature spiritually.

13. Study the character of God. This is a great idea. To begin go back to pages 10-12 and study what wives need to know about God. Here is how the Lord describes Himself in Exodus 34:6-7 -Do a study on the key words in these verses. 6 And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, 7 keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” Jesus also said that if you have seen Him, you had seen the Father also.

14. A wife will honor God's word by being submissive to her husband. Again, honor the word of God. Hold it in high esteem. Don't be a hearer of the Word only...be a doer.

15. Be faithful in the little things. Martha Peace speaks so truly here. Rebellion no matter how small it may seem to you is rebellion which is sin. If you don't think so...your conscience will become harder and harder...you will become less and less faithful to do the right thing and submit. Why because you are eroding God's authority in your mind. You are doing what is right in your own eyes. The "little foxes" will spoil the vine. Be faithful to obey your husband even in the smallest matters. Don't let your guard down here and justify your sinful rebellion.

16. Be a living sacrifice for the Lord Jesus. Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. Use this one when you really don't feel like submitting...it will increase your motivation.

17. Being submissive is a fruit of your salvation. Pray for the desire and longing to please God and obey Him by submitting graciously and lovingly to your husband.

18. A wife may be motivated by personal testimonies of women who are already submission to their husbands. I like to use the bible for examples here. Abigail comes to mind...

19. You may sometimes suffer for righteousness sake. Most of the time this is not why I suffer. When you do it is helpful to remember what it says in Hebrews 12:3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.

20. Remind yourself of the potential grievous consequences of not being submissive. It says in Proverbs that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Hebrews 12:28 says this: 28 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear. 29 For our God is a consuming fire. Sin has consequences. Psalm 119:75-76 says this: 75 I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are right,And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.76 Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to Your word to Your servant.

Scripture renews your mind. Read these verses over when you need the encouragement. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to be reading your bible. Studying it daily. Meditating on it and memorizing it. Think of all the things you put in your mind. Purpose in your heart to put God's word there. The Word of God is described in Ephesians 6 as the sword of the Spirit. It also tells us to gird our waist with truth. Saturate yourself with the Word.

I will end with Ephesians 6:10-19 10:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— 1

Chapter 14: God's Provision Resources for the Wife's Protection

This chapter discusses eight ways that God protects the submissive wife. Martha Peace lists them in the order that they should be implemented. If learned, and put into consistent practice your husband and children will rise up and call you blessed.

Here are the eight:

1. Learn to communicate biblically
2. Learn to overcome evil with good.
3. Learn to make a biblical appeal.
4. Learn to give a biblical reproof.
5. Learn to biblically respond to foolish demands.
6. Learn to seek godly counsel.
7. Learn to biblically follow the steps of church discipline.
8. Learn to biblically involve the governing authorities.

I will touch on each briefly. Learning to communicate biblically is, in my view, the most important skill any wife and/or mother can learn. It can be used to teach your children to respond rightly by modeling it for them. It can also be used to overcome evil with good, to make a biblical appeal, and to respond to foolish demands.The verses that helps me here aside from the ones in James about controlling the tongue is from Proverbs 31:26: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. If the law of kindness is always on your tongue, your house will be a peaceful place indeed. Using Ephesians 4:29 as a guide speak only what is necessary, what is edifying, what is good and what gives grace to the hearer. Sigh! I have a long way to go here. We forget in the midst of the battle how important it is to model this behavior consistently for our children. It is a constant dying to self and living for Christ's glory. Most of us spend most of the day in either an annoyed or offended mode. This needs to be put off and Christ put on. We need to remember to let our gentleness be made known to all men. Again that word gentleness is rich with meaning: Here once again is John MacArthur's list:

Let your contentment, forbearing spirit, sweet reasonableness, bigheartedness, good will...bending beyond what is expected to grant them good, magnanimity, charity toward the faults of others, mercy toward failures of others, not being personally offended by the faults of others..be known to all men. It is the kind of gentleness that can submit to injustice, disgrace, mistreatment, without hatred, without malice, without retaliation, without vengeance.

The best way to look at it...it is the graciousness of humility which basically says you may have mistreated me, you may have misjudged me, you may have misrepresented me, you may have not given me what I deserve or given me what I don’t deserve, you may have ruined my reputation with some, acted in hostility towards me, I may be the recipient of your inequity, injustice, and mistreatment but I humbly, graciously accept it...Christ still reaches out in love...

Responding and communicating scripturally takes a desire to please God. It takes a purposing in your heart like Daniel and David. Purpose, prayer, power of God's Spirit, and practice! If you do nothing else from this study in regards to your household, but put responding and communicating according to God's Word into practice...you have accomplished much.

Overcoming evil with good is the second resource for the wife's protection. Martha Peace provides an excellent list for us on page 158 but I sometimes find that holding my peace and letting the Lord fight for me is on occasion a way of overcoming evil with good...in another words keeping silent or not responding in kind. Often keeping silent is all that I can manage. Again it is about enduring through, holding our tongues, responding with kindness and remembering that we have a huge affect on the heart and tone of our home. The way we treat our husbands will have a direct affect on how our children see him and respect his authority. As you begin to look and examine your reactions to those around you, don't lose heart and don't feel condemned. Repent as many times as it takes and pray, thanking God for showing you your sin and giving you the opportunity to glorify Him.

The third resource for the wife's protection is learning to make a biblical appeal. Martha Peace has done an excellent job here. I will not belabor. For me most important thing to remember before making a biblical appeal is my job is to do what my husband says unless he asks me to sin. Unfortunately, my instant response most of the time when my husband gives me a direct order is to argue. Biblical appeals don't even cross my mind. My pride gets in the way of any possibility of rational thought. Making an appeal would require that I actually thought instead of reacted. This is our goal...thinking before we speak. :D If I do think before I speak and reach the scriptural appeal stage I should ask myself what my possible motives are for making the appeal. I need to be sure it is not manipulative, not for personal gain, or not to make things easier on myself. If I am truly Spirit led here I rarely make the appeal. My motives for making it are usually wrong. Once the appeal is made, however, I should be ready to accept my husband's answer as the will of God for me--and submit graciously.

The fourth resource is giving a biblical reproof...It is important to point out that a biblical reproof is given in response to identifying a sinful pattern of behavior on the part of your husband. If done according to the Word and with godly motives it is intended to edify your husband and restore him into a right relationship with His Lord. Again, examine your motives. Are they to restore and not expose? Are you specking and planking? Are you doing it for personal motives or a personal reward? Biblical reproofs are a command. They should only be done, however, after much prayer and careful thought.

The fifth resource is learning how to respond biblically to foolish demands. For the most part we can return to resource #1 learning how to communicate scripturally. It also helps to remember the proverb that says "Any fool can start a quarrel." That certainly puts it into perspective for me and helps me hold my tongue and respond with the "wisdom of scripture"by pondering how to answer. (this is hard to do in the middle of an argument...)Do a study on anger/strife/fool in Proverbs and memorize a few to hide in your heart. If your motive is to honor God He will bring them to mind when you need them.

The last three resources for the wife's protection involve seeking godly counsel, church discipline and involving the governing authorities. Again, Ms Peace's explanations are clear and biblical.

In summary, taking full advantage of all the measures that God has provided for us in His Word is the spiritually stable course. It avoids the self-seeking wisdom of the world that only leads to chaos, contention and confusion in a household. I have copied a portion of James Chapter 3 and 4 here: Let's heed his advice and his warnings:

James 3:8-18

8 But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. 10 Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? 12 Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

James Chapter 4:1-10

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. 4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?
6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

“ God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Chapter 13: Biblical Submission Basis of the Wife's Protection

Martha Peace iterates 5 biblical principles concerning submission. They are as follows:

1. Submissive to her husband in all things unless he asks her to sin.
2. A submissive wife is not afraid to do the right thing.
3. She is to be submissive even if her husband is a non-believer.
4. A submissive wife does not dishonor the Word of God.
5. She will seek counsel and training from a godly older woman.

From here Ms. Peace gives various examples of each principle. I would like to focus my comments here on principle #2 and principle #4.

Using 1 Peter 3:6 as a basis, Martha Peace shows that one of the keys to overcoming fear is love. There are some wives who have much to fear. Fortunately the only thing I have to fear is not getting my own way.

Principle #2 A submissive wife is not afraid to do the "right thing"

Micah 6: 8 it says: He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?

Christ wants the same thing from us today...not outward religiosity but an inward spiritual commitment of the heart from which right behavior will be the fruit. This inward commitment will be reflected in our outward behavior...like Sarah we will do what is right without being frightened by any fear. Or as it says in 1 Peter 3:4 that our adornment would be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of the Lord. I am not sure what is meant by precious here but I am going to go with rare and very valuable.

As I do this study I am consistently confronted with my own selfishness. (The opposite of love) I dislike not having my own way or what I want. I willfully forget that I am suppose to be that living sacrifice in Romans 12:1. (I keep jumping off the altar) Some of my lack of obedience and "not doing the right thing" does stem from fear. We as human beings do not take well to surrender and loss of control. We like to be autonomous. We like to think we are in control. It is an illusion. Fortunately if we belong to the Lord He will consistently pull the rug out from under us to show us where our trust is being misplaced. He is a jealous God. He wants our whole heart. For me lately it has been my focus on what I thought I had put behind me....a desire for appreciation, a desire to be treated special, a desire for something back. I HATE that they have returned and am praying that I can be ruthless with them. Admittedly, the past few days have been better for the "other side." SIGH! But thanks be to God, that His word tells me that His grace is sufficient for me and that when I am weak, He is strong. I am thankful that I can go boldly to the throne of grace to find help in the "nick of time." I can by the power of the Spirit put on love for those around me...putting off my desires and my agenda. When we are afraid of loss of control and our desires are for ourselves it wreaks havoc in our families day to day lives. (See James 1:13) They can't see Christ..you are in the way. Making His desires your desires will bring peace to your life. Psalm 37: 4-6 says it best:

3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

As you trust the Lord, do good (without fear) and delight in Him...His desires will become your desires. You will want only his glory reflected in your life. Christ revealed to others through your words and actions. Whoo Hoo.

Principle #4: A Submissive Wife does not Dishonor the Word of God

Titus 2:3-5 says the following: 3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— 4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.

We bring shame to the Word of God and become a reproach to Christ when we dishonor His Word. Does your outward confession of faith reflect your inward heart attitude to submit to the authority of your husband? Nancy Missler once said truth is where word and deed match. Do your word and deed match?

Is obeying God more important than having your own way? (Romans 12:2) Do we have an appropriate reverential awe of the Lord? A friend of mine used to have a paper mural hanging at the bottom of her stairway that said "for our God is a consuming fire." Her children (and she has many) saw it everyday as they came down the steps in the morning...what a great reminder. God is holy..He cannot abide sin. Matthew 10:28 says to fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.

Does the Word of God dwell in you richly? Do your children see you study the word daily and once again does your outward profession reflect your inward heart. Are God's desires really your desires? Are you only submissive when it is convenient and easy or do you do it whether you feel like it or not? Do you outwardly do the right thing but inwardly struggle with bitterness? Confess it to the Lord and take every thought captive unto Him. Remind yourself of what the Scripture says. Again my favorite one that never fails is 1 Cor 13: 4-8. I have never had to recite past "Love suffers long and is kind," to be convicted. Remember Christ endured the cross, despising the shame.

Spend some time on pages 151, 152 and 153. Ask the Lord to convict you of the ways in which you are not submissive to your husband. The past two chapters have been especially challenging for me. Conviction at my lack of true submission to my husband came on every page. Hebrews 4:12 says this: 12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. As an encouragement look at the list of OT heroes and heroines that are in the Saints Hall of Fame in Hebrews 11. These were all imperfect people like you and me. Yet their names are written here as a testimony to their faith evidenced by their obedience to God. As you submit to your own husband from your heart, you are evidencing your faith and obtaining a good testimony.

Chapter 12: Submission the Wife's Joy

Hmmmm....Submission and joy in the same title. I had to really ponder that one. I rarely view it like that except when I am doing studies like this one. How does that work? You mean I am not getting what I want (you know...my way) and yet I am joyful..I mean really joyful deep down?? How is that possible? Despite my circumstances?? This is one of those biblical paradox things. Similar to what it says in James about counting it all joy when you encounter various trials or in Matthew where it says he who loses his life will gain it. It is about walking by faith and not by sight. Like so many things in the bible it really is the polar opposite to what is the norm in the world. It is marriage God's way. If only we could always look beyond what we are not getting to what we are doing when we submit to our husbands gracefully...we are glorifying our Lord.

So many times I fall far short of this vision. Recently a friend invited my family to the pool for the afternoon. We picked up some pizza on the way to their house. I also picked up a can of diet soda knowing my husband does not allow me to drink it. I thought it would be easier than stopping at Wawa on the way to the pool to get my caffeine fix. He asked me what I was planning to do with the soda and I told him I was planning to drink it. He said no. I argued quietly with him listing all the reasons he was wrong to refuse me. (drinking soda with regular sugar makes me ill, etc) We got to our friend's house with my husband still adamantly refusing to acquiesce to my demand. I could think of nothing but what I was not getting. I continued to berate and plead with my husband for my right to drink the soda. (in my charming and disarming way...but all knew I was not quite happy) My husband even asked me jokingly if I was going to relate this incident in one of my posts...I am sure he was pretty far out on that proverbial rooftop.

On our way to the pool I was still grieving thinking how much more enjoyable the outing would be if I was feeling awake enough to enjoy it. I (can you imagine) was thinking of how utterly selfish and stubborn my husband was being...what was the big deal...one lousy can of diet soda. It is my only vice..blah, blah, blah. All I do for him...How dare he try to tell me what I can and can't drink. (The bible says he can..sigh) I was really making it a grief for my husband to rule over me. Our friend, who was leading the way to the pool, pulled into Wawa. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was to her at that moment. I went over to the car and kissed her...I had finally got what I wanted but at what price. I was a reproach to Christ. When her kids see a Wawa now guess who they think of? Not quite the impression I wanted to leave with them.... My God was my belly. Not a proud moment for me.

The Bible tells us wives to submit to our own husbands, as to the Lord. Uh oh...as to who?? The Lord. By submitting to your husband's authority you are submitting to God's authority. Not submitting is rebellion (sin) plain and simple. Submission does not in any way imply inferiority nor does it say anything about the man's personal worthiness or even his spiritual condition. We submit to our husbands as a loving act of obedience to our God. This is His will for us. Submission to your husband is God's desire for you. It is his best. It is for your protection. It is His commandment. He wants it to be your joy. Hebrews 12:2 says we are to look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith who endured and persevered so that He might receive the joy of accomplishment of the Father's will and exaltation. The author of Hebrews goes on in chapter 12 verse 3 to ask us to consider Jesus and the hostility he endured from sinners. He is our supreme example. Our sufferings are as nothing compared to Christ's. (I certainly wasn't suffering to bloodshed striving against sin in the car that day about my caffeine need) Submit and let your joy be in the accomplishment of your Father's will for you.

Martha Peace goes through four basic principles about joy. They are worth reviewing.

1. Joy results from trusting God and obeying His word. For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. (1 John 5:3)

2. Joy can result from knowing that God is working to accomplish His purpose even in difficult circumstances. My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,(James 1:2;) And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28); I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

3. Joy comes from following the example of Jesus especially in difficult times. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb12:2); For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, (2Cor 4:17); bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1Cor 13:7)

4. Joy results from a "Spirit-Filled" life. A spirit filled life is one controlled by the Spirit of God...God is at the center of your life. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, (Ephes 5:19); Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1st Thes 5:16-18)

As you learn to know God and trust Him through spending time in His word, you will gradually experience increased joy in your life. You know that whatever situation you may be facing He has a purpose for it and it is for your good. Your desire will be to obey Him.

Again this is a day by day process of purposing in your heart to draw near to Him. Saturate yourself with Him and His Word. As you become immersed in the water of His word, you will become like a tree planted by the rivers of water; your life will be Spirit controlled. Here is what John MacArthur says about being filled with the Spirit. (Ephes 5:18) "Being filled with the Spirit is living in the conscious presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, letting His mind, through the Word, dominate everything that is thought and done. Being filled with the Spirit is the same as walking in the Spirit. Christ exemplified this way of life." Follow His lead. Obey as He obeyed. We can know that the momentary affliction we have here is producing an eternal weight of glory. We really CAN trust Him.

When you are in the midst of the battle it helps to remember that the battle is not yours. Your job is to obey, (just as Christ's was) the results are up to God. As you begin to surrender thoughts, feelings, diet soda, coffee, agenda (in other words your very life) to God and allow His Word to dominate your thoughts and actions, you will find yourself less and less embroiled in a conflict of wills. It will be hard but you will have joy knowing that you are obeying the Lord Jesus Christ and glorifying Him.

So...Purpose in your heart each and every morning to submit to your husband as to the Lord. Decide ahead of the opportunity to respond rightly. When you are tested, you have already decided that you are going the way of obedience. The way that wholly pleases your God. (Deciding to submit ahead of time really does help! The hard decision has already been made.)

We are entering the last part of the book. The first section of this last part deals entirely with submission in one way, shape or form. There does, however, seem to be one general theme that runs throughout the book. Esteeming the other as more important than one's self. Which brings to mind love. You know the love that suffers long, that is kind, the love that does not envy, that does not parade itself and is not puffed up. It is the love that does not behave rudely and here is the love I have the most trouble with: The one that DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN. It is also the love that is not provoked and thinks no evil. The love that does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. The love that bears all things, believes all things hopes all things and endures all things...even an afternoon without caffeine graciously. It is the love that never fails. It is the love of God poured out in our hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit. Truly all of God's commands for each of us can be summed up in loving God and loving others. The JOY acronym: Jesus - Others - You.